Everyday?

For the time being I'm giving up stand up. Instead Ive felt the urge to write a script grow inside me like Ive just been Face Hugged, but the story idea's I'm toying with sound rather similar.

1) The world is about to end in a horrible black hole kind of way and a guy has to return a kid to its parents so they can kill it before they are pulled apart by the atmosphere being sucked into the aforementioned black hole. If you hadnt already guessed this would be a jet black drama.

2. The world is about to end in a horrible black hole kind of way and two guys are trying to find somewhere to die. This would be a comedy.

I just thought to myself my favourite stories are where the world is about to end or it already is ending in a massive extinction event. But most end of the world fiction has two problems,

1)Its always about solving the situation and usually follows the president or someone else nobody gives a fuck about.

2) The world is usually saved by the above penis.

The only fiction that comes to mind that does the opposite are Zombie movies and a Canadian film called Last Night. Other than that, the black president will save the day (Vote Obama).

So I want to do something where the world ends. And by world ending I don't mean that society collapses (something people so addicted to society can't differentiate from true global apocalypse) I mean the planet itself gets chewed, fried, drowned, frozen, beaten and battered.

Another common misconception is that we wouldn't know about it until maybe the day before. This is of course nonsense. While yes a solar flare could happen with no warning and frying us in our own fat could happen at anytime but the chances we wouldnt notice before is close to zero. Odds are, we would have months of warning if not years to get ready to meet our makers (one maker would not have been enough). In those months and years humanity would take all the extremes you can think of. Anyone who was ever to rape someone would go out and fuck anything that could not fight back, people would steal all the shit they now don't have time to work for, massive partys as big as entire countrys would start and probably end in blood shed as the stress and pressure erupted. The time between the revelation (sorry to sound so biblical. But thats probably one of the first big apocalypse stories isnt it?) and the actual end would be the most insane and extreme period in human history.

The last great misconception is that the end of the world event itself would be sudden. The world would instantaniously dissapear in a blinding light and that would be it. Even if a meteorite hit we would have hours and hours to wait until death came along and took us for a ride. In the case of a black hole it would take a while as the last of humanity ,who didn't drown thanks to gravity pushing the sea around like someone getting into a bath, would gather on the highest ground imaginable and wait for that same gravitational pull to remove parts of their body slowly.



So after that digretion, I reckon the only way to make a script worthy of the greatest ever ticking clock. With all this happening and all the emotions that rise from the thought of garenteed death, I reckon the only option for a script is obvious.

It has to be funny as fuck.

Moderate severe deppresion and scaring small children.

Today I did an internet quiz binge. Here is the lowdown on what I am.

1. Moe from the simpsons.
2. Mentally, Dress size 14.
3. A severely moderate depressive who scares children between the ages of 6 and 9.
4. An independent film maker.
5. A left breast.
6. A stallion in bed yet rubbish at talking.
7. Spiderman.
8. 67% more Unintelligent than average.
9. Irish.
10. A girl, in a quiz that predicts your gender based on your answers. 50% chance and I picked the manly blue square over the girly red circle and they still fucked it up.

The accuracy of these quizes is astounding, as I am indeed a suicidal breast who is so thick she gets the orders wrong in moes taven whilst on the side making films only assholes in berets understand. And I am also secretly spiderman.

On that note, I will go back to watching Tim Burtons Batman. So far I have noticed 2 gaping plot holes. This is going to be a very average evening.

Photos

I hate having my picture taken inside an overly complicated block of plastic surrounded by children screaming about how their dealer has shoes they really want.

Clapham post office was far to busy for a Wednesday. Sitting in one of those photo booth things I felt like I was going to the toilet with a curtain covering the wrong bit. Trying to get the right position on the screen so some Hungarian guy will let me into his country next month was all the more challenging because no matter how many times I re took the picture I always looked like someone who hits you because I love you.

Now, for absolutely no apparent reason here is a list of things I have found on my bedroom floor.

1. A copy of edge purchased because I had a job interview at their publishers and wanted it to accidentally spill from my bag to make me look like the real shit. Unfortunately I never got a chance too so now I'm stuck with an overly complex coffee table wannabe on my bedroom floor.

2. Joop after shave, given to me by my brother in law. At first I thought he was against smelling nice, but then I realised he was against smelling like a group of guys with matching named t shirts with "azzas stag doooo" ironed on by their parents before covering Amsterdam in 8 different kinds of vomit.

3. A game cube controller. Thrown at the floor after realising I spent the whole of the 14th of July 2008 playing Super Smash brothers. Please take me back Katie.

4. H. G Welles The Time Machine. Yet to be read. I will probably not understand a word of it and feed it to my vegetarian house mate.

5. a 2 pence coin, this has no earthly value. I did not notice dropping it, and its not worth picking up. Its not like I have high standards or anything, Id wipe the popes mouth for a fiver. 2p just is not worth going down onto the floor next to....

6. An unused, open condom. I cannot be the only one to try unrolling the whole thing just to see if it would make a serviceable sock?

7. I am Legend, the book by Richard Matheson. Great book, probably not helping my new psychotic urge to see the human race devoured by some kind of monster so I can finally become the post apocalyptic hero I was always destined to be.


More tomorrow, and every day, for the rest of my pitiful life.

Its been a while. Again.

I stared at my blog for a full two minutes. I would have said ten minutes for dramatic effect but then I would have stretched credibility claiming I stared at the same screen for the same amount of time it takes to watch half a Simpson's episode. And it would have made me sound like a thicky, which is sometimes the point of this blog but today is not one of them.

I had started, but never finished, seven blog entrys. All pretty much saying the same thing. But the situations as to why I'm saying it changes. Sometimes Im up north, some times Im happy, some times I unhappy.

Well, I'm going to finish it today. And one every fucking day for the rest of my life. Quality is no substitute for quantity, you should always aim to be mediocre because then the only people you can disappoint are your parents. And they probably never did any better.

Me and Katie broke up. This is becoming an unfortunate update but I guess this is the last time I will mention her on here until the first time we awkwardly run into each other whilst I shopping in Selfridges about to buy my new supermodel girlfriend a dress that costs more than a house (that I can afford thanks to my new job as "spoilt inheritances cunt"). Or more likely, she turns up having lost a little weight, wearing a dress that costs more than a house with her arm around a man who has actually been into space and gotten paid for it.

Actually, now I want to go through it. See how when your writing on the fly things can change? I may even talk about the holocaust later.

The break up has probably happened before. Not exactly like this, because it is hard to believe exactly how I did it and if I told you I could never look you in the face. Needless to say two conversations happened.

1) The man said something really stupid, that he knew was really stupid, but said it anyway and continued to say stupid things until dawn even though he knew that everything he said was stupid but thought that maybe if he keeps saying stupid things he can get out of the original act of stupidity.

2) To explain how stupid he was and to get out of a backed in corner, the man said something even more stupid, but this time he wanted it to come out better. "Like if Charlie Kauffman did it". But we are not all oscar winning screenwriters.

So thats that then. Lesson learned. Don't ever, ever say stupid things. Especially if they are stupid.

All if fair in love and war, except the people directly involved.

See you tomorow. And everyday. Unless I forget, and this last line becomes a flat out lie through lazyness.

I would throw up if I could afford to eat.

Me and Katie are back together. My dicks fine. Right, on with the hate.

http://london.bnp.org.uk/

Watch this video.

Ok, once you have stopped vomiting, watch it again and replace the word "Local" with the word "white".

Why can't any politician just talk like a normal person? Why can't Brian Paddick just say we should vote for him because he is a gay copper and therefore, must know more about the hardships of life than Boris Johnson and Ken Livingstone? Why can't Boris Johnson just start doing stand up comedy rather than get into a job where he will probably ruin lives? Why can't Ken just, for the love of god, stop talking out of his arse.

And why can't the BNP just say, they don't like brown people, they don't believe the holocaust happened (regardless of what documents written at the time, witnesses and survivors have to say on the matter) and the reason why they do not like the UK anymore is because occasionally they have to share their seat on the bus with a guy from china.

My beliefs im going to keep to myself for now (although I have to say the BNP give children cancer) I just want someone in politics to call someone else a dick. Just once. "Well, I respect my opponent, but he is incorrect" is horse shit. "Your a dick, everything you stand for makes me want to be violently sick on you, and if I did it would probably improve how you smell you blithering thundercunt" is what I want to hear in the house of commons. Why do you think its called the house of commons? Where the hell did all these fucking private schooled, personally and aesthetically ugly people come from? They where the kind of kids at school who if you saw them in the playground chances are you would already be beating up. If your saw their face in the toilets you would just have to stick their face where the poo goes because they are so full of shit.

Nobody voted for our primeminister. Not one person. "But thats how the system works...." fuck that, its broken when some guy who looks like Golem after a few to many bowels of porridge has found himself incharge with not a single vote for him.

Who is the alternative? I used to be naive enough to think the Lib dems could win one day. But they won't because THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. The only thing they are good at is keeping things quiet, like they actually have someone running for mayor, and who the new bloke is thats running it.

Why has there never been a black politician in charge of any of the majors? America is very, very close to beating us to it. America, a country where in Alabama its illegal to tickle someone with a feather duster on tuesday. Is it that they would never have a chance of winning in this country? What does that say about us?

"If theres a new way, Ill be the first in line, but it better work this time"

Adrian is nerd

Hey, ive decided to start telling people what I think of things.

www.adrianisnerd.blogspot.com

Enjoy, or not.

A new interest.

Im not going to bore you with details of the last few weeks, all im going to say is I no longer live in the middle of the hairy streets of east London, now I live in clapham.

And now I know what poverty is. As I was playing my xbox 360, eating my massive plate of food, I could not help but think if this is the poorest im ever going to be Im going to be very very lucky.

Iam, rather unlucky. In a little over two weeks I am to be circumsized. Again. This time, I will be fully conscious, and the doctor in charge says that when he is finished with my dick it will look like an egg in a cup.

Sigh.

I have decided to set myself a challenge, as I have somehow gotten myself into roughly three thousand pounds worth of debt since september 2004 Ive decided to get out of it. Here is a list of avenues I have explored.

Donating Sperm. This may get in the way of my dick surgery, but hopefully they can see me before I let a short indian man mutilate my willy.

Paid surveys - Boring, but if I do fifty surveys i get fifty quid!

Becoming a mystery shopper - a tenner for going into a shop. Yippy.

Medical experiments - a hundred quid a day? booosh.

Ill do a proper brief laters, when I have time, right now I have to....go visit a cup.

yippy.